Monthly Archives: December 2013

Liberal/Conservative Resolutions For 2014

Liberal/Conservative resolutions:

1. (L) To continue giving a crap about people I don’t know.
(C) To continue not giving a crap about people I don’t know.

2. (L) To piss off as many conservatives as humanly possible using facts.
(C) To piss off as many liberals as humanly possible by ignoring all facts.

3. (L) To mock religious fundamentalists. Especially evolution denying Creationists.
(C) To embrace religious fundamentalists. Especially evolution denying Creationists.

4. (L) To vote for a working government. America has problems to solve for the benefit of all..
(C) To vote for a broken government. America is solving too many problems for the benefit of people who are not me.

5. (L) To look forward to a brighter future for everyone.
(C) To look back at a brighter past for everyone that looked just like me.

I wish this was an exaggeration….Oh well. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Proof That Conservatism Is Becoming A Cult

I just caught this on Little Green Footballs and it absolutely confirms what I’ve been saying about conservatives for some time: They are a cult.


The more cult-like conservatism becomes, the more the right will reject any and all information that does not fit their doctrine. If Fox News denies Climate Change, it will not matter if Florida disappears under a rising ocean. If AM Hate Radio says homosexuality is a “lifestyle choice,” scientists could conclusively find the “Gay Gene” tomorrow and it won’t matter. And if the GOP deems evolution to be “lies straight from the pit of hell?” Well, then that’s what conservatives will believe regardless of evidence to the contrary.

After all, if Fox News/Republicans/AM Hate Radio is lying to them about evolution, what else might they be lying about? Better not to ask. Conservatives are not actually stupid. They are quite aware of how fragile their entire worldview is and anything that threatens their core beliefs, even things they know to be true, must be ignored.

Season’s Beatings, Everyone!

Salvation-Army-Kettle-Ringer-2-originalThis article was inspired by the always funny Steve Marmel.

Well folks, after a finals week that saw me sleeping once every three days, I’m finally back to rant at your face holes; and what great thing will we start the week off with? Well, how about someone getting attacked for saying Happy Holidays? Christian Post  mentioned last week that a Salvation Army bell-ringer was attacked by a woman in front of Walmart for being politically correct. While I can certainly understand if she’s upset, does it really warrant a haymaker? I hate political correctness, and even I say happy holidays!

Now, the Salvation Army has some questionable policies regarding homosexuals, and even more questionable rules and conditions in their homeless shelters – my night spent in there found me sharing a dorm with about 100 people per room, and having to pay my last $5 to get a bed with no pillow, blanket, or sheets for the night – but the fact is that the individuals in the church will often balk at the misconceptions placed on them. Much like there are good Christians out there, there are good “Soldiers,” The Ex notwithstanding, and they are often only trying to do good.

Bear in mind, Kristina Vindiola was attacked for saying Happy Holidays by a woman who thought the only acceptable winter holiday is Christmas, going so far as to ask “Do you believe in God?” before repeatedly hitting her in the arm and body.

Quick question: who here knows the real history of Christmas? It’s not Jesus’ birthday (that would actually have been midsummer, according to the bible), but rather a holiday adopted by the church to distract people from the pagan holiday Saturnalia (or rebrand it as their own, depending on your source), with 12/25 being the final day of a weeklong festival devoted to such festive activities as rape, getting shithoused, and glorious, glorious man-love. Before that, it was and still is a pagan/wiccan holiday celebrating the winter solstice; evidence can be seen all around you: the gifts are symbolic of Saint Nicholas’ tendency to chuck bags of gold into homes of peasant whores in the dead of night to allow them to leave that life; the tree is a symbol of the norse god Thor; Mistletoe was thought to contain semen of the Gods, and kissing under it was thought to bring fertility. What we think of as Christmas today is nothing but a Frankensteinien creation of the church to force us to spend time with relatives we otherwise wouldn’t go near, and to celebrate their patron deity.

While what do today is nowhere near the old traditions, the feelings of kinship and appreciation are universal regardless of religion. I’m Buddhist; we don’t have a holiday like christmas, and many of us don’t even celebrate Christmas itself (it’s kind of hard to detach yourself from the material world while someone’s giving you an ipod), but I do because it’s important to The Missus.

I guess my point here is that, regardless of your chosen faith and holiday, and regardless of what someone says to you, if you understand the words behind a message but not it’s intent, it’s time to step back and ask if there’s something wrong with you, rather than the rest of the world.

-Don’t Panic

Health Insurance Industry Tells the Koch Brothers And GOP To F*ck Off

DON'T TELL ME I CAN'../../wp-content/uploads/2013/12/true-football-fan.png


One of the worst kept secrets is that the Koch Brothers are funding “Generation Opportunity,,” GO is the “grassroots” (I do not think that word means what you think it means) organization that is trying to convince college age students to not sign up for health insurance. The idea is to keep the young and healthy, the people whose premiums will subsidize the old and sick, away so the entire program crashes. You know, the exact opposite of letting the free market work.

As I’ve said a number of times before, if Obamacare is so dreadful and doomed, why is the right trying so very hard to sabotage it? Shouldn’t it fail on its own no matter what?

Turns out that some other people are pretty sure that Obamacare is going to work just fine and they’re planning on making sure of it:

In all of 2012, health insurers spent $216 million advertising on local television stations. But that’s nothing compared to what they’re about to spend. According to trade association TVB, insurers will spend more than $500 million on local television ads in 2014. And that’s to say nothing of cable television ads and social media campaigns.

Insurers look at these next few years as a gold rush. Tens of millions of people will be buying private insurance of the exchanges. It’s a swarm of customers like nothing they’ve ever seen. And they plan to capture them — even if they need to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to do so.

Yeah, I think the right is about to get an unpleasant lesson about the “free market” they claim to worship. Usually, big money gets spent to push back against Democratic legislation. I look forward to the bitching and moaning from conservatives about “fascism” and how unfair it is that corporations are in Obama’s pocket. Where’s my popcorn?


Right Wing Shows Its White Trash Roots Over Obama/Castro Handshake


The right wing freak out over Obama shaking the hand of Raul Castro at Nelson Mandela’s funeral shows just what kind of lowlifes they are.

Allow me to explain. My immediate family’s dynamic is messy to say the least. A few years ago, my half-brother Louis died. We were not close. We hated each other as kids and hadn’t spoken in over 20 years. It was just an oil and water thing. I still went to his funeral. Our father also planned to attend the funeral and here’s where the problem lay.

My half-brother Mark hates our father (long story). Mark was enraged that he was coming and didn’t want him there because our father did not get along with Louis, either.

I was absolutely appalled at the drama. This was a funeral. Yeah, it’s funny in movies when crazy stuff happens at a funeral, but in real life? You keep your crap to yourself. You come, you pay your respects, you mingle and you leave. You do not cause a scene at a funeral. Period. End of line.

The very idea that conservatives think Obama should have been obnoxiously rude at the funeral of one of the most revered men on the planet is a sign that they lack any social grace or class. For a group of people that claim to be superior to everyone around them, they’re little better than white trash and, once again, they’ve embarrassed America.

Attention Whore of the Day: Tila “I Love Hitler!” Tequila

Attention Whore of the Day: Tila "I Love Hitler!" Tequila

This is just so sad I don’t even have words for it:

Tablet magazine reported on Monday that Tequila, who came into national prominence through the dating show A Shot At Love in 2007 and 2008, posted a photo illustration of herself on Facebook bearing an armband adorned with a swastika and an SS hat while standing in front of the entrance to the Auschwitz prison camp.

The caption for the picture states, “Tilisis is the GODDESS of LOVE & WAR! [sic] Learn your facts!” In another post Monday evening, Tequila — born Tila Nguyen in Singapore in 1981 — wrote, “I am She, the Queen who hath come to save you from this dark world filled with NWO parasite invaders,” an apparent reference to the “New World Order,” a popular boogeyman figure among conspiracy theorists.

Tila Tequila’s whole schtick was to tease her audience with promises of nudity and  naughtiness. It was inevitable, as people stopped giving a crap about her, that she would release a sex tape, which she did two years ago. Now that everyone’s seen what they were waiting for (and it wasn’t her sparkling personality), it was also inevitable she would need a new “hook.”

Apparently Nazism is it. You have to admit, as far as ridiculous publicity stunts go, it’s brilliant. People are talking about her again and that was the entire point.

This, by the way, is why America is the cultural laughing stock of the world. Aren’t you proud?

4Chan Users Show The Ugliest Side Of Humanity, Cheer Live Suicide Attempt,

This message brought to you by Americans Against the Tea Party


This entry will deal with a suicide attempt, some personal pain, and some of the worst behavior you can imagine. 

You have been warned

Because this is such a heavy topic, I will be posting cute pictures throughout this piece to cleanse the palate and make something as serious as this a bit easier to swallow).

It’s been mentioned before that I’m a survivor of, among other things, child abuse. One of the things that come along with the universe routinely shitting on you is an unrelenting depression. It’s not something I’m proud of, but in my darkest times, I’ve attempted suicide, 4 times. When you are in that moment, you’re classified as insane; the psychosis created by such horrific depression makes you feel like you’re the only person in existence at best, and at worst like the only people who care about you are your abusers (if you have any).

In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, Douglas Adams brought forth the Total Perspective Vortex, a machine capable of showing you your specific place in the vast inconceivable mass that is the universe. When I was ready to end it all, what I felt was exactly that, that as vast as the universe was, someone like me not only didn’t have anyone who cared for them, but was so insignificant to not even merit one. This is why 70% of suicides, including my own, do not include notes, because we don’t feel like there’s any reason to write something we think no one is likely to read.

At the time, nothing was more apparent than the misery and suffering I was going through, and even if someone tried to help, there probably wouldn’t be a different outcome. However, I survived, I got help, and while the desire to try again is ever-present, thankfully I haven’t tried again since starting therapy years ago.

(Oh look, a dog who thinks it’s people.)

Now, the reason I bared my soul to you guys about this is that, over this last weekend, Stephen, a student at University of Guelph, attempted suicide after first announcing what he planned to do on the internet message board 4Chan, sometimes referred to as the outhouse of the internet.

“This is it,” declared Stephen, “Tonight I will be ending my own life. I’ve spent the last hour making the preparations and I’m ready to go through with it. As an oldfag who’s been on 4chan since 2004, I thought I would finally give back to the community in the best way possible. I am willing to an hero on cam for you all. All I request is for you guys to link me to a site where I can stream it for you guys, then I will gladly fulfill my promise.” 

This is something that has started happening with a worrying frequency. People will sometimes prove wrong everything they say about strangers on the internet (like this time where Blizzard Tech Support saved someone’s life, or this time mediocre rapper T.I. talked a jumper off the ledge), times like this prove that sometimes what they say is very, very true.

When 4Chan users saw his post, they not only mocked what is essentially a televised suicide note, but actively encouraged him to go for it, setting up a chatroom where he could stream his suicide in real time.

( What’s this? A windup dog?)

During the stream, as people clambered to be one of the sacred 200 to watch him end his life, Stephen downed copious amounts of an unspecified pill, chased it with vodka, and started a fire in his room with an electric toaster. As smoke filled the room and he tweeted of his impending doom, these walking tumors showed an unheard of level of caring. Unless you want to be filled with disgust for the rest of the day, I wouldn’t click that link.

Toaster Stephen, as he’s now known, is alive and in recovery, thankfully. However, to think that people could not only watch someone kill themselves and do nothing is sickening in it’s own right, but to actually root for them to do it, there is so much wrong there that I don’t think all the languages of man combined have a word for that level of sickening depravity. The Roman emperor Caligula is infamous for being so shithouse crazy that he once declared war on Poseidon, ordering his men to attack the sea itself with swords and spears, and even he would agree there’s something wrong with this picture.

(If you clicked the link above, click this one to make things a little better).

What does it say about us as a species, and America as a society, that we have shot clear past glorifying violence and have begun to turn losing a battle against psychotic depression into a spectator sport? What have we become as a people? More importantly, what will we inevitably turn into if we continue going down this path?

It’s taken me 3 days to write this, because this is something that is always hard to talk about. If you’ve never dealt with suicidal thoughts, personally or with someone close to you, I’m truly happy for you. Nothing compares to the kind of pain that is involved there, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone living or dead.

When you talk about something with the gravity of suicide, you want to make sure that you get it right; Hopefully I’ve done that with this piece.

-Don’t Panic

Do Conservatives Have Any Shame At All?

I’m dead serious! At what point do they stop and realize just how easily they’ve been manipulated and lied to? I’m not talking about a politician’s campaign lie, that’s par for the course. I’m talking about the whoppers the right wing media feeds their base every other day.

Have you seen this ridiculous story about Obamacare not covering children under two? Fox went nuts for it and every right wing site gobbled it up. But it turns out the “victim” had forgotten to list his child on the insurance application. That took a lot of deep investigation to discover. And by “deep investigation” I mean a phone call or two.

Now, I expect that kind of crap from Fox. They’re not a news organization, they’re pure propaganda. One of their talking heads actually claimed to have confirmed that this was true. He blatantly lied. Will there be any consequences? Nope. He did exactly what he’s paid to do: lie to the conservative base.

But it’s been at least 24 hours since the story was completely debunked by the very person that made the claim and I have yet to find a retraction or correction. The New York Post’s article is still up and unchanged. Every right wing website I checked has the original story and nothing else. They obviously don’t care about the truth.

And their readers? I think they prefer it this way.

The right simply does not care that they have been lied to. At all. They’ve replaced critical thinking with outrage and a persecution complex. They’ll lap up whatever stupidity is thrown on the ground before them because it’s better to believe that Obama is a secret Muslim socialist Nazi than to admit that they’re wrong on almost everything. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.

72 YO Alzheimer’s Sufferer Put Out Of His Misery By “Man” Standing His Ground

Americans Against the Tea Party reported earlier on the 30th  that a 72 year old man was gunned down in suburban Georgia this Thanksgivings.

Say it with me folks.

What. The. Fuck?!

First off, some context; the man was suffering from Alzheimer’s, a terrifying disease that causes you to slowly lose yourself one memory at a time. He had become confused as to where he lives (an all too common occurrence with demented patients), and had gone to his old home thinking his family was there; in actuality a new (possibly terrifyingly stupid) family had moved in. By the time Ronald Westbrook met his end, he had, sadly, been wandering around the freezing neighborhood in nothing heavier than a light jacket and straw hat. His only company was his dog. His family hadn’t even realized he was missing until roughly the same time as his assailant had shot him.

Joe Hendrix, emulating our favorite RWNJ George Zimmerman, confronted Mr. westbrook on his porch with a .40 caliber handgun while his fiance was calling police about a possible prowler.

I’m going to stop this account right here to ask what the fuck he was thinking?  joe Hendrix is 34, and from what I can gather, likely at least about as fit and strong as I am; Ronald Westbrook, on the other hand, was a 72 year old grandfather. I have several family members who have served in the military, including a grandfather and father-in-law who served in the vietnam war as navy and army respectfully. I wouldn’t be scared if confronted by either one unless they were armed and dangerous, which Ronald clearly was not. He was probably suffering from stage 1 hypothermia for fuck’s sake!

Yes, the man wasn’t obeying verbal commands to stop or back away, but what do you expect from a man so confused he thinks that your house is his own? In what way does this, this coward putting 4 slugs into an old man’s chest, seem like a justified act? Because apparently, right now, that’s what it is. Thanks to yet another Stand Your Ground law, the cops claim that, while he should have stayed in his house (kinda like how Zimmerman should’ve stayed in his car), what he did wasn’t illegal.

Say it again folks,




I saw this story and wanted to cry. As I’m writing this, tears are welling up in my eyes over the thought of this family losing their patriarch the day before a holiday meant to celebrate everything good in your life. This shit needs to stop; we cannot continue letting these asinine gun laws continue allowing people who treat movies like Die Hard and Roadhouse as if they were porn. I’m honestly thoroughly convinced some of the people who keep cropping up in the news see movies like this less as cheesy male fantasy and more as instructional manuals.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against defending your home; the missus keeps a (registered) pistol from her father for emergencies, and I have a hefty steel bastard sword for the same reason; thing is, the missus and I both believe that, until they actually cross the threshold, it is an officer’s duty to take care of them.

I live downtown with roughly 8 bars (if you count the dive bars, nightclubs, and gastropubs) within a half mile of my soon-to-be-vacant apartment. Every weekend, and some weeknights, there will be drunk bastards walking home (at least they’re responsible enough not to drive), hooting and hollering like a pack of howler monkeys. I’ve had two try to come inside my home while blackout drunk, one through the front door, one an unsecured window, only to run when they noticed that A.) the chain was on the door, and B.) our dog, Angel, started barking. If I shot/stabbed/bludgeoned/etc. everyone the Castle Doctrine claimed I was allowed to, There’d likely be a permanent blood splatter on my stoop. I, however, have the crazy notion that people should get a chance to either explain themselves or retreat, thankfully.

When will we pay the debt of blood required for common sense gun reform? How many more have to die to offer the NRA its blood money? When will this nightmarish existence our (well, your) children have to grow up in finally end?

-Don’t Panic

Will The Right Freak Out Ove A Male Contraceptive Pill? Yup!

This will be the worst thing that could ever happen to the religious right and the right in general:

A contraceptive pill for men has moved one step closer after Australian researchers successfully made male mice infertile, according to a study published Tuesday.

The result was that even though the mice had sex normally and were otherwise healthy, they were infertile, researcher Sabatino Ventura from Melbourne’s Monash University said.

Men can have sex without getting a woman pregnant?! Noooooooo! Sex is evil and naughty! Without the threat of pregnancy, how will the moral scolds keep people from enjoying themselves and stuff women back into the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant?!

A better question is how will they ban this men’s version of the Pill? They can’t pretend it causes breast cancer and they definitely can’t pretend it causes abortions. Where will that leave fanatics like Rick Santorum and his crusade against premarital sex?