Crazy Conservative Contradictions

There’s a reason liberals look at conservatives like they might be insane. Often, a conservative will say one thing and then, almost immediately, contradict it. Pointing out the contradiction often angers the conservative who then accuses you of either being “stupid” or “twisting their words.” But, because it’s funny to look at crazy people, let’s take a look at conservative contradictions: 1. There is no need to regulate corporations! The free market dictates that all corporations will act in the best interest of the consumer or be put out of business by the “Invisible Hand.” The Contradiction: Corporations only exist to make money. You cannot expect them to do anything that will interfere with the bottom line. They cannot concern themselves with environmental issues or customer safety if it is more profitable to ignore them. You, as the consumer, need to be more careful!

2. Corporations should have all the rights of a person. They should be free to exercise their First Amendment rights and buyinfluence elections just like any other citizen of the United States. The Contradiction: Corporations are not people so they cannot be treated like any other citizen of the United States. You can’t arrest them for manslaughter or negligent homicide even if they DID add known carcinogens to that baby food on purpose. Ultimate Contradiction: Unions (basically, a group of people pooling their resources) should not be allowed to influence elections. It corrupts the democratic process.

3. You should never try to organize labor. That’s selfish. Unions extort money from corporations, inflate the salaries of workers and give them unearned benefits, like maternity leave and pensions. Union workers are greedy and do not care about the companies they work for. The fact that they are paid so well is a sure sign that they are wrong. The Contradiction: How dare you try to limit CEO pay and severance packages?! Those people work hard and earn every penny they get, even if they drove the company right into bankruptcy! So what if they took billions of tax payers’ money to stay afloat, they still deserve those bonuses!

4. All liberal celebrities should shut the hell up. They don’t know what they’re talking about and should leave politics to politicians. Liberal celebrities aren’t real Americans anyway because they’re from Hollywood! The Contradiction: Here to explain to you how liberal policies are unpatriotic and probably illegal are Victoria Jackson, Kelsey Grammer and Jon Voight.

5. The Government cannot create any jobs at all and can never reduce unemployment, only the private sector can do that. The Contradiction: The Government has too many people on its payroll; we have to reduce the number of public sector jobs. Ultimate Contradiction: See how many public sector jobs we’ve lost under Obama? He made unemployment worse!

6. We really invaded Iraq to get rid of a terrible dictator and it had nothing to do with 9/11. The Contradiction: Why is Obama invading Libya?! To take down a terrible dictator?! How is that our problem?!

7. Osama bin Laden was responsible for 9/11 because he gave the order to carry out the attack. The Contradiction: President Obama can’t take ANY credit for the death of Osama bin Laden because all he did was give the order to carry out the attack.

8. Any journalist, politician or private citizen that questions President Bush during a time of war is a traitor. The Contradiction: During this time of war it is our patriotic duty to question President Obama about every little detail of his agenda.

9. Providing billions of tax-payer money to people in dire financial straits is Socialism and will lead to the destruction of the country. The Contradiction: Providing trillions of tax-payer money to banks in dire financial straits is Capitalism and will lead to the salvation of the country.

10. We must protect innocent fetuses by any means necessary. Terrorism and assassination is justifiable because we are protecting children! The Contradiction: Providing pregnant women with medical care and proper nutrition is a burden on the tax-payers and we can’t afford it. We need that money to fight terrorism!

11. Islam is a religion of terrorists! They murder innocents in the name of Allah and that’s just wrong! That’s why we’re better than they are! The Contradiction: All homosexuals should be put to death! They are the work of Satan! If we cannot pray away their gay then we must do as the Jayzus commands and stone them to death!

12. My freedom of religion is absolute! It says so right there in the Constitution! You can’t restrict my right to worship where and how I want! The Contradiction: Those damn Muslims keep putting up mosques wherever the hell they want! Who do they think they are?! That should be illegal!

13. The Constitution is inviolate! Why are liberals always trying to shred the Constitution?! The Contradiction: We should just ignore the 14th Amendment! It allows anchor and terror babies! We have to protect ourselves from the furrners!

14. Damn liberals always trying to select activist judges that will just “interpret” the Constitution however they want to fit their Socialist agenda! The Founding Fathers knew what they were doing and we should also follow their intent, not just make it up as we go along! The Contradiction: Citizens United? I think the Supreme Court did a fine job of interpreting the Constitution to fit our much more complex times, don’t you?

11 comments for “Crazy Conservative Contradictions

  1. drkeri
    April 21, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    I will have to pull out #7 on someone sometime. Just for shits and giggles.

  2. Shea Thomas
    April 21, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Brilliant.

  3. April 21, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    On #14, if you do a little digging you’ll find this is one of the most glaring examples of “Legislating From The Bench” ever documented; no US federal or state legislature or voter-approved initiative has EVER granted personhood to corporations, yet in a series of written opinions and headers to Supreme Court decisions stretching over a century corporate personhood has been in fact created. The paper trail reaches back to at least 1886, in the decision header to Santa Clara County vs. Southern Pacific Railroad and has been a consistently conservative idea.

  4. April 21, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I have faced each contradiction in debate with crazy conservatives – thanks for the ammo.

  5. April 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Reblogged this on While you were sleeping .

  6. Robert
    April 22, 2012 at 8:29 am

    1. Of course we need corporate regulation. However, we don’t need a tax code that is 10,000 pages, an out of control EPA, and tens of thousands of pages of federal regulations that make it literally impossible to do anything and be compliant with the law. There is a difference between no regulation and reasonable regulation.
    2. Corporations are not people, but they are owned by and run by people who have the right to take part in the political process. I’m sure you have no problems with labor unions (not people) taking part.
    3. Unions were necessary, and in some cases still are. However, Unions have priced many industries out of the country. Sorry, but if you can learn your job in a week, you don’t deserve $80k a year, a month’s vacation a year, and a Cadillac retirement. Union greed hurts business.
    4. I like when liberal celebrities open their mouths. Proves that it’s better to stay quiet and be though a fool that to open one’s mouth and prove it.
    5. The use of absolutes… “any” “never”. The government can reduce regulations and create an environment in which business can grow and create jobs. Obama has created over 100,000 government jobs. (He just forgot that he has to pay for them.) Bigger government means a smaller private sector. This doesn’t work when the government depends on the private sector for its money.
    6. In foresite, Democrats supported invading Iraq. In hindsight, it was a bad move. (I was there. Not worth American blood.) America cannot police the world. Hell, we can’t control our own border.
    7. Again, an absolute. President Obama can take some credit for taking out Bin Laden. “any” He had the balls to give the order. He can not take ALL of the credit. It took years of work and policies that he criticized to get the intel.
    8. I’ve never heard anyone say that any criticism of Bush during the war was treason. That’s simply liberal paranoia.
    9. There’s a difference between small effective social programs, and Mama Government taking care of everyone. (Not enough money… um… deficit.) The government is way to big, and is out of control. Note: The more power the government has, the less power the states and individuals have. The government forcing me to buy (insert term) isn’t Constitutional.
    10. Nobody is arguing against providing medical care and nutrition. What many argue is that abortion should not be a form of birth control. Spend the 9 bucks at Target, or make the guy buy condoms. When a woman becomes pregnant, a human life is created. Support the mother. There are thousands who are willing to pay for her care and then adopt the child. (Note, if you think that America is a terrorist nation, you’re an idiot who needs to see other parts of the world.)
    11. Only a few screaming morons believe in putting homosexuals to death. (Note: in Islam, the penalty for homosexuality is death.) A large segment of the Islamic Arab world does support terrorism and genocide. Not all Muslims are terrorists, but most terrorists claim Islam.
    12. Nobody is saying that mosques shouldn’t be built. Many questioned the sensitivity of putting a huge mosque a few blocks from ground zero. Want to see insisitivity? Try building a church in Saudi Arabia.
    13. Liberals don’t like the Constitution. That a child is a citizen by birth does not make illegal parents citizens. Our immigration policies are insane. Imagine if Americans went to France illegally, protested waving American flags, and demanded that the French give them all kinds of benefits. Most conservatives favor immigration, but LEGAL immigration.
    14. Again, corporations are owned and run by people, just like Unions are. Those people have the right to free speech, and the use of their resources to promote that free speech.

    This silly little bit was obviously written by someone who never talks to conservatives, and only buys into the most liberal stereotype of a conservative minority that actually doesn’t exist. How lame.

    • April 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

      “Of course we need corporate regulation. However, we don’t need a tax code that is 10,000 pages, an out of control EPA, and tens of thousands of pages of federal regulations that make it literally impossible to do anything and be compliant with the law. There is a difference between no regulation and reasonable regulation.” But that’s not what conservatives say. They want the EPA gone, not “under control,” They don’t want tax loopholes closed (that’s accounts for a lot of the 10,000 pages) they just want taxes lowered. But I’m sure you already knew that.

      “Corporations are not people, but they are owned by and run by people who have the right to take part in the political process. I’m sure you have no problems with labor unions (not people) taking part.” and those people are welcome to use their own personal money not the corporations’. A corporation exists (among other reasons) to separate the people running it from personal responsibility and to make money, no responsibility, no “voting” rights using money that is not their own. On the other hand, a union is created specifically to represent the workers, if the workers vote to support a politician or political cause, then the uniuon does their bidding. Will everyone be happy? No. But they are free to leave the union, or to try and get elected themselves within the union or campaign to change the union. Ain’t democracy grand? Can corporations do that? No.

      Unions were necessary, and in some cases still are. However, Unions have priced many industries out of the country. Sorry, but if you can learn your job in a week, you don’t deserve $80k a year, a month’s vacation a year, and a Cadillac retirement. Union greed hurts business. So basically, what you’re saying is that you dislike the idea of a negotiated contract. Let me guess, you had no problem with the huge bonuses given out to the workers in failed banks because they had contracts and contracts are sacred. And if not you personally, know that the GOP made that exact argument. Unions force companies to pay a fair wage for work, the reason they left the country is because Republicans made it easy for them to use slave labor in Asia. How about this: we’ll get rid of unions if the GOP will allow us to slap import tariffs on products made in other countries. Good luck with that. Blame the unions all you want but corporate greed drove those jobs overseas.

      I like when liberal celebrities open their mouths. Proves that it’s better to stay quiet and be though a fool that to open one’s mouth and prove it. Uh-huh. Find me ONE liberal celebrity that is as uninformed (yet popular) as Ted Nugent, Victoria Jackson or Kirk Cameron. Good luck with that, too.

      “In foresite, Democrats supported invading Iraq. In hindsight, it was a bad move. (I was there. Not worth American blood.) America cannot police the world. Hell, we can’t control our own border.” Hell, I supported it to because our president stated, unequivocally, that Iraq was involved in 9/11 and had WMDs. So did Democrats and not a few non neo-con Republicans. Turns out he lied through his teeth. So we’re guilty of believing a lying Republican. At least we know better now. Now we know that everytime a Republican talks, they’re lying. Thank your Republican president for sending you there

      “Obama has created over 100,000 government jobs. (He just forgot that he has to pay for them.)” Oh? Prove it. I want the chart/graph/job listings that show the Federal government grew by 100,000 jobs.

      Again, an absolute. President Obama can take some credit for taking out Bin Laden. “any” He had the balls to give the order. He can not take ALL of the credit. It took years of work and policies that he criticized to get the intel. Didn’t say he should take all of the credit. What I did say is that conservatives have stated loudly and repeatedly that he shouldn’t get any at all. We both know this. I’m unimpressed with your attempt to reword what i said.

      “I’ve never heard anyone say that any criticism of Bush during the war was treason. That’s simply liberal paranoia” Liar. But here you go anyway: http://www.brendan-nyhan.com/blog/gop-dissent-attacks.html “Giving aid and comfort to the enemy” is another way of saying “treason” please don’t bother denying it, thanks.

      I’m now officially bored. I think you’ve confirmed pretty much everything I’ve said in this list of conservative derp. Thanks for showing just how deep down the rabbit hole you will go.

      • April 22, 2012 at 11:11 am

        OMG, I bow down to you, , I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy. Well played.

      • ExRadioGuy
        April 22, 2012 at 9:35 pm

        The Contrarian Conservative…Ah, yes…if a Progressive or Liberal Democrat says the sky is blue, the CC will say different; if you say that money isn’t the root of all evil, they’ll say it is! Ooops! It’s similar to Bugs Bunny going back and forth with another character, like the Gas House Gorilla in the baseball episode: Bugs: safe! GG: out! safe! out! out! safe! out! safe! Bugs: Ok, Doc, I’m safe….LMAO While I write of Warner Bros. cartoon characters, I’ve decided to start calling the the GOP “The Wileys” because they outsmart themselves a la Wile E. Coyote in trying to capture and eat the Roadrunner LMAO

  7. Diane
    April 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Good job handling the troll. An “out of control EPA?” Where is the fine line where “in control” begins — when our drinking water only makes you sick once a week?

    I very VERY clearly remember the atmosphere post-9/11 were you didn’t DARE say anything negative about Bush or you were deemed un-American — this is why we went along with invading Iraq, because if you went against him you were unpatriotic (the troll must be under the age of 7 and too young to remember).

    Also, regarding Bin Laden, I don’t have time to find the video but Bush clearly stated that finding Bin Laden was *not* a priority.

  8. April 22, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    I love number 7 and 13 :) God you ROCK!

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